In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti

A poem about being mad at God

I wrote this in my Notes app one Sunday evening after a particularly rough morning at church. After some reflection and editing, I can honestly say this is the best psalm I’ve written so far. God and I are good now, but I think it’s a good practice to have a relationship with God that allows for the full range of human emotions.

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In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti

It seems like no matter how much gospel I swallow I’ll never be sturdy
My friends pray for warmth, for tangible peace, for a love I can 
touch but I am empty every evening 
I am grasping every Sunday for a sliver of salvation
I am crying I am crying Jesus, Jesus where are you
no I’m not, I gave up on wailing 
many years ago

Now it’s all numb and expectant, I will not hear that 
voice I will not feel that love
The songs we sang seem to have whispered rage beneath each chorus and I think
This must be the devil this must be 
Something stronger than me but not Him at work
I am so imperfect I must simply not see 

I am on the cliffs of doubt looking out to find the roiling waters of the rest of my life 
no ships in sight just a constant desperation 
that goes up and down and I am not sure how to 
keep my eyes open against the wind anymore

I say Godspeed 
I cross myself to sirens I say
Oh Lord have mercy but do I mean it
The Presence and the Love have not felt quite as real 
as my face slick with the slime of my eyes and nose
My hair trapped against my throat 
I breathe in shallow holding thinly to the promise I once, twice, a million times heard 
He loves you, He loves you so much He is Love itself 
He is all you ever wanted and needed and I want to say 
yes Lord yes
But I am meager and gross I am pathetic and growing impatient
God help me see and hear and taste and touch not just think or trust
Because that will give out so soon
I am waiting

Amen